I’d like to announce my candidacy for the President of the United States of America, Puerto Rico and Canada. I will stand firmly on the following platform:

1. Whereas, Puerto Rico has been subject to taxation without representation since 1952 and arguably since 1898,
Be it resolved:
Puerto Rico be given the status of the 51st state of the United States of America and full rights, privileges and responsibilities that comes with statehood whether they want it or not. A single red star will be added to the American flag.

2. Whereas, Canada is generally pretty cool but we forget it’s there a lot of the time, even though we share with it the longest border in the world,
And whereas, Canadians generally express concern over their a lack of national identity and as their nearest neighbors Americans show an over abundance of said identity
Be it resolved:
America will share our national pride with the northernly neighbors by making the provinces of Canada the 52nd through 59th states in the United States of America. All of the provinces (except Quebec, which will be moved to Greenland in the middle of the night) will be given full rights, privileges and responsibilities that comes with statehood. Seven oak leafs will be added to the star field of the American flag, unless it’s starting to look like a box of Lucky Charms, in which case we’ll just forget about the oak leafs.

3. Whereas, pain-in-the-ass special interest groups are getting on my nerves, the ones who keep putting the same measure on the ballot, over and over and over until they finally catch the voters on a bad weather day and win the election,
Be it resolved,
Election results will be tallied as “best of series” such as in Rock-Paper-Scissors or the World Series (of Baseball AND Hockey). What could be more American?

4. Whereas, corporate law makes the corporations exclusively beholden to the shareholder even to the exclusion of the law, and
Whereas, the Corporation is an entity in the eyes of the law
Be it resolved,
Corporations may be held to the same “Three Strikes” rule as the other kind of entity: after the third felony is committed, the Corporation is to be disbanded and the assets sold off to benefit the State. Shouldn’t take long.
Also be it resolved,
If a particular type of crime perpetrated by a human would call for jail time, and if the same offense is committed by the Corporation, penalties shall be levied on the Corporation in such a way that all it’s profits during the period of incarceration, should there be any profits, shall be forfeited to the State.

5. Whereas, building a wall between Mexico and America seems asinine as it didn’t really do much to keep the Huns out of China when Ming I tried it,
And whereas, once Texas gets a wall, all of the southern states will want one,
Be it resolved,
A bridge be built OVER Texas and most of the south to convey interested Mexicans to the northern states where they are wanted. (George: You can’t have your wall and NAFTA too.) If there is any money left, the bridge that would have been built, will be built in New Orleans where it will do some good (e.g. a sea wall).

6. Whereas, two is never enough,
Be it resolved,
Every school student will be taught that issues are never black and white, elections are never just bipartisan, and there is always another way.

My qualifications for the presidency are these:

Though often seen grumpy, I have never hit anyone and promise to not start any wars (I reserve the right to finish them, however).

I have never taken money from a PAC or SIG and there are no liens on my soul – truth be known, though, no one has ever expressed interest in it.

I possess an auspicious proficiency to promulgate bilaterally, allowing me to expiate with the erudite liberals as well as the faculty to liaise in a more pedestrian manner with the vapid masses of the meridional states. Observe the succeeding illustration. I can chew the fat like the simple hometown boy I am.

DISCLAIMER: The observations and comments expressed here are my own and not those of the Peace Corps or anyone I know as far as I know. The Peace Corps is a non-political organization, at least at my level. Also, if you aren’t smiling, don’t get upset. It was meant to be funny but if that’s not you, then you probably need to put on your raccoon hat, drive the dogs to the trading post, buy a case of Molson’s and go watch Red Green.